Here it is, in no particular order, although the list is numbered (keep in mind, this is all meant to be sarcastic):

1.  Listen to lots of music while writing.  The rhythm of your words should definitely come from an external source rather than from you.

2.  Drink alcohol, at least two glasses of wine and never less than one glass of scotch, because inspiration originates in a bottle.  Or can.  Or whatever.

3.  Read a multitude of bad writing so that you can feel invincible while also lowering your standards.

4.  Read tons of good writing, so that you can feel crushed under the weight of your literary heroes.

5.  Spend several hours determining the best place for you to write, because in the end, it’s the setting that makes the writer doesn’t it.

6.  Write when you’re most tired and are really dragging it, because tired…