Day: November 21, 2012

First a quick Birthday message for myspokenheart.

And we’re off…

Tip 10. Don’t do a hollywood ending.

Kill the main character. Don’t do the “they’re dead, they’re dead, oh, no, wait, their coughing, oh crap, they’re going to make it.” That is so bloody annoying. Just kill the little shit.

Having been forced through the torture of The Amazing Spiderman (aka TAS, possibly the worst “reboot” of a franchise in history) – I saw every awfulness imaginable in this Hollywood massacre.

[WARNING – SPOILERS]
[This movie is shit]
[There… spoiled it]

Spiderman’s dead uncle is forgotten in moments, his powers come almost immediately (he ‘learns’ his powers by skateboarding! Awfulness everywhere!), there is no ‘battle with himself’, anywhere… ever. He’s a twat.

I can’t remember many character names, perhaps due to the trauma of watching TAS, and no way in hell am I exposing myself to any more of it, so…

Part three of my essential Blog tips is here – whoo hoo. yay. great.

I have been told by the Society for the Protection of the Over-Sensitive that I cannot post this without including the following warning.

I say mean things about depressed people. If you’re a depressed person this may upset you. On the other hand it may make you laugh, and since depression has become the only faithful friend who has stuck by you all these years this threat to your incessant state of misery might also be upsetting.

On with the tips 🙂

Tip 4. To repeat tip 4 – Write with sensitivity.

Some people still believe they have real problems and will be very cross if you make fun of them. Just because you spent twenty years overcoming clinical depression does not mean everyone else is ready to laugh bitterly at their disorders.

Tip 7. Give…

Welcome to part two of my guide to writing. Simply follow these rules for writing the perfect blog and soon you will have more followers than Christ.

Tip 4. Write with sensitivity.

For example, never make gratuitous and potentially offensive references to other people’s deities.

Tip 5. Write what you want

You can write your blog for other people, and try and write what you think they want to read. This is a good method if you are psychic, which you are not (see point 3). It also makes you a bit of a whore, in the way Dan Brown is a whore because he writes what he knows will sell instead of writing good things. Dan Brown is not psychic, he is a cod-plagiarist (see point 3 previous post – and yes, it does mean he literally plagiarises from a fish! Have you read his stuff!?)

This is the…

Here’s a list of my top tips for being a Blogger – stick with these rules and you’ll go far my son / daughter / cousin / creepy guy who moved into my closet.

Tip 1. Write what you know.

This is important. For example, if you don’t know the word complexification you’re going to find it hard to spell. If you don’t know what the ideological state apparatus are, then mentioning them in a post will probably break the flow of your writing. If you don’t speak Spanish, writing your posts in Spanish is going to make things very difficult for you, and confusing for your French audience who live in Germany and speak Croatian.

If you want to start a blog on car maintenance then you’re very dull. All the same, it will be a better blog if you know something about car maintenance, you once owned a…